Conan's Back!!

I hope you all supported Conan tonight who's back on late night. I f*cking LOVE Conan....though not in a homosexual away. I know, I know Conan, I'm sorry, you'll get over it. For those of you who fell in love with Conan at the beginning, you might have become addicted because of one great detail...his relationship with Andy Richter..........man would it be great to have that again....well guess what???? ANDY'S BACK! "You mean like Halloween?" (Cabin Boy) I'm VERY excited about this. Tonight's guests were Will Ferrell (amazing as always) and the musical guest was Pearl Jam............now,.......I think Pearl Jam is great,....but am I alone in that I never have any idea what the hell Eddie Vedder is saying? I mean seriously. I'm a HUGE lyric fan,...and I would really love to catch more than 3 words in the song. 

The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Seen...

Right,...so we're all on summer diets, right? In fact, that might be the very first time that I've been able to start and end a sentence with the same word and I'm pretty excited about it. But back on track, I want to help you to steer clear of the scams out there. I've always been skeptical about weight loss products and systems. You've seen the ads....skinny people holding out a pair of jeans to illustrate how fat they used to be, but you know that they've never been fat. There's also the images of people who have clearly been photoshopped, stretched, etc. BUT THIS! is absolutely the worst ad ever....

That's right.....a DRAWING.....a before and after drawing!!?? "I'm not fat, I'm just drawn that way!?" Please. *Slaps Forehead*

UP, UP,...AND A WATCH OUT!!!

My wife and I have had few dates in recent times, so tonight we decided to do the traditional dinner and a movie. On route to Bugaboo Creek, Sarah let out a startled noise, which was similar to "Mughhh!" or a "Heeblaha!" or some other invention that would earn you a win in scrabble. The sound was in reaction to a deer that was standing next to the road. Now the stupid thing for the deer to do, would be to try to cross the highway. This means, that in any second, that's exactly what the animal would do. Sarah hit the breaks, which certainly saved us of car repair costs and air bag burns. The guy beside us was not so lucky. He was too concerned with his cell phone conversation, which makes his accident bittersweet.

I never knew that deer could fly. Reindeer sure, but not your traditional Bambi. A rotating deer flew through the air, over the top of his car and to the other side of the road. Something hit our car as well but we're still not sure if it was a piece of totaled car or a piece of totaled deer. Regardless,...it was pretty insane, and certainly sad. 

We carried on to Bugaboo Creek but had forgotten about the creek's decor. I didn't take the time to count the deer heads on the wall but take my word there was a lot. That was the irony. Having witnessed a deer get killed on the highway and then eating at a restaurant that stares you down with murdered deer noggins. It's an interesting position to find yourself in. To be stared while comforting your cravings for meat. Thankfully we ordered the shrimp. 

As for the movie? Pixar is AMAZING. Disney would be screwed without them. Think about it....what was the last Disney hit that was actually Disney's? Exactly. All Disney has is sequels to their previous hits, which seriously makes me laugh.  (and not in a good way) For those of you who can remember back that far, or who have seen the original Disney classics...they all seemed to open like a story book and like all great fairy tales ended with the, and I quote...."They All Lived Happily Ever After." (flash forward to the present day) Welllllllll.....apparently their characters DIDN'T live happily ever after because they forgot about the time that Ariel got lost in space,......when Pinnochio traveled through time, and when Cruella De Vil fought for her lesbian rights. 

Regardless of money issues, Sarah and I opted for the slightly more expensive 3D rendition of the film. (SPOILER ALERT) The film is fun, but do not expect 3D to mean that things are going to be coming right up to your face. It's just enough to break the "wall" of the screen. NOT Watching it in 3D will be just fine. The 3D glasses, if you go to that version, are designed to look like the glasses worn by Carl Fredericksen, the old man that you've seen in the trailer. Everyone in the theater looks just like him, which is funny when you take into account that, SQUIRREL!!! 

Hi there.

  

No Whammy! No Whammy!

Ugh! What can I say? I'm a sucker for game shows. Game shows, like people, come in all shapes and sizes. Some want you to roll some dice, others want you to eat a pair of testicles, while others still want you to figure out pi x 3.41 x 1,3019234 divided by 12347 x 8 + your age - 1804351 x 235-135425 squared x 10 to the fifth power + 1-12438723562956918723847. Ironically...that's an actual math problem. I know, you thought I was being silly or was potentially f*ckin' crazy. It's cool, let's just call it even. The point is, I recently acquired Verizon Fios. It was quite the culture shock, coming from a previous situation which was based on rabbit ears and barely received your 4, 5, & 7. After having time to live with Fios.....I've found that I've grown beyond the former couch potato status that I adopted while living with my parents and now.....there's very little that I actually want to watch. HOWEVER, being an editor means that computers require rendering time...and during those times, the television magically turns on. With nothing to watch (day time television blows the monkey's uncle) I find that I'm watching GSN (The Game Show Network). Have you explored this option? It's an interesting one. I'm a sucker for the feud, I like watching millionaire, and I wonder how I'd do on the newly wed game. Would I get the answers right? Or would I soon be facing divorce or counseling? In case you're not watching...I'll urge you to.....ESPECIALLY! in this here economic crisis. The shows MIGHT be fun,....but you can also win cash and prizes just by watching the network. Hosts, who are ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!! (especially what's-his-face) will ask you to call in with the answer to difficult questions like, what president is on the 5 dollar bill? What do humans breathe? In the game of baseball, what do players hit with a bat? You know....really difficult stuff like that. So if you need money, I'd suggest coming over and we'll see what we can win.   

One Short Flight for Man....One Giant Leap for ME, Who Hates Heights.

I was asked by Erica Newhall to be the videographer for her television program, "Discover New Hampshire" (DNH).  Erica's an actress with the Screen Actor's Guild who aspires to host her own program. It's been amazing to see how much we've accomplished both personally and production-ally.  I've certainly done things that I never expected to be doing. 3 "pilot" (if you will) episodes are being shot with varying themes, which I won't exactly get into until they air (we've gotta have A FEW surprises!) But I WILL mention that one of the episodes will be on thrilling adventures or activities that anyone who visits N.H. can do! One of these is hang gliding at the Morningside Flight Park. Cool, right!? There's just one problem....I HATE HEIGHTS! But I didn't think it was going to be an issue...Erica was going up in a glider that I outfitted with cameras and I would film her from the ground. The End...............or so I thought. Someone present made the comment that I should go up in the ultralite that tows the glider and film Erica with fly-bys, circling, etc. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA WHAT!!!!!????? An ultralite, if you don't know is basically a flying lawnmower. Sounds safe right? Exactly. At the same time,....how do you say no??? It'll clearly make the show, with AMAZING FOOTAGE! DAMN IT!!! The pilot, having been told of my dilemma, thought that it would be in everyone's best interest to take me up on a practice flight to make sure I didn't lose my shit. The practice flight went fine! I can do this! We began to prep Erica and the pilot explained to her that we would take her up to 2,500 feet. "Is that where we just were?" I asked,...hoping I had already experienced our destination height. "No" he responded, "That was 500 feet." (GULP!!!!) The expression on my face said it all. "There's really no difference between 500 feet and 2,500 feet," he said. "NO THERE'S A HUGE DIFFERENCE!" Kurt's brain responded. He told me that "the higher we are, the safer we are." "If the engine gives out at 100 feet, we're both dead....but if the engine gives out at 2,500 feet, we have time to think, options to pick, and our choice of landing sights to glide to." "Has an engine ever given out!?" I timidly asked. "Oh sure" he said, and he climbed aboard. AWESOME! The good news is, I was actually flying with one of the number 1 ultralite pilots in the world! So there's comfort in that! And Erica, was actually flying with the #1 hang gliding instructor in the nation. I was nervous, but I was pretty sure we were gonna be o.k. Whether you sit in the back or the front of the ultralite, you both have the same controls. The pilot cautioned me not to touch anything, but the ultralite is so confined that seems impossible not to. The phallic stick to steer the plane was between my legs. As the pilot controlled the plane behind me, my controls ALSO moved. Very bizarre. Men defend their actions by claiming that cocks have minds of their own, but that was just visually ridiculous! At any rate, I clearly survived and I CAN'T WAIT for people to see the footage! Also, whether you're afraid of heights or not, I would definitely suggest trying the ultralite, if not hang gliding just once. It's just one of those things and one of those experiences that you just have to do! OH! and bring layers....it's friggin' cold up there! 

Sweetie...I want you to turn around slowly and look at the road....there's a f*ckin' hamster driving a car.....

Have you seen this commercial? Of course you have! It's for the KIA Soul. The one that looks like it starts out at Elliott's house from "E.T." and progresses downtown to show all the hamsters in hamster wheels except for 1 group of hamsters who somehow got their paws on a car? With all the stupid things that organizations complain about, I can't believe that animal rights people aren't up in arms about this, I'll explain why in a minute.  

Remember when "Batman Returns" came out? Am I aging myself? To some of you maybe. Actually, if I want to age myself, the first movie I ever saw in the movie theaters was "Song of the South," directed by Harve Foster and Wilfred Jackson. Two directors I've never heard of aside from directing the film that many believe was the formation film of a neon arrow that pointed Walt Disney out as a racist. This couldn't be further from the truth. I know from visitation experience that Disney takes all of our money equally! On a humorous note, the second film I ever saw was the above mentioned "E.T.," directed by Steven Spielberg. The same day that my mother took my brother and I to see "E.T.," the neighboring audience was watching "Bambi," directed by David Hand. Another director that I've never heard of aside from directing the film that many believe was the formation film of a neon arrow that pointed Walt Disney out as a hunter. This couldn't be further from the truth! I know from visitation experience that Disney hunts us all equally! At any rate, I desperately wanted to see "Bambi." There are two possible explanations for this. 1. I'm a kid who LOVES cartoons or 2. My brother wanted to see "E.T." and being a sibling it was my duty to pick something else, just to cause a fight. I pleaded with the art of a 2 or 3 year old and unbenounced to me, my mother purchased tickets for "E.T." I asked her if we were going to see "Bambi" and wouldn't you know it, she told me yes. Mothering is like electricity....you find the quickest route of exit. That's exactly why birds don't get electrifried on telephone wires. I sat in the theater with my bucket of popcorn and the movie began. 

FADE IN:

Forrest -- Night.

An alien spacecraft has landed in the woods. The door of the craft begins to creak open.

At that moment my mother turned to us and asked "Who's coming kids?" Well...still not realizing that I had been down right lied too, I ecstatically responded "BAMBI!!!!!" Embarrassing right? I know, I'll never live it down. Especially by those of you who know me and read this. I'm an ass for posting it. Can you imagine though? Bambi emerging from an alien spacecraft? Might be cool. Continuing though, it turns out that someone who recognized my mother was sitting 3 rows back and jokingly whispered some insult that reflected her bad parenting skills and the morals of lying to a child. 

My life has been filled with instances like this. Like the time I wanted my babysitter to read me "Charlotte's Web" before going to sleep. Well, there's just no way to read that entire book to a child that you want to go to sleep within the next 10 minutes so your boyfriend or girlfriend who has been suffocating in the closet for the last 4 hours can finally come out. So she created a short cut by developing a scene in which Fern was ordered to make Wilbur sleep outside. Fern felt bad because outside was a torrential downpour with extreme thunder and lightning. When the rest of her family went to sleep, Fern ran outside and brought Wilbur back into the house. The character obviously didn't want her father (who seemed stern and abusive in this rendition) to find her little friend, so she made Wilbur sleep in a porklet sized gap between the wall and the stove. The next morning, Fern came downstairs to the smell of breakfast in the kitchen.....you can see where I'm going with this. YEARS later we read the book in school and I still believed, until that point, that this was how the story ended. But wouldn't you know it...the story went on and on and on. My innocent mind was confused. I don't remember that at all! When do they eat the pig!!?? Uh-huh. It's sad, I know. 

The point about Batman is that protesters stood outside theaters across the country with picket signs because of footage showing penguins with missiles strapped to their backs. Robotic...CGI...Missile Shootin' Penguins!...................1. AWESOME! and 2. Get a life protesters! More than half of those people don't even watch the damn movie before they protest...and if they had, they'd find that their side wins in the movie as none of the penguins explode......I demanded my money back. 

NOW! If YOU'RE THAT kind of protester.........you should HATE the KIA ad.....and NOT for the car, or the hamster wheels, or the house that looks like the house from "E.T." You should hate the ad because one of the hamsters is on a wheel that is positioned on a rail road track!! Death is on the horizon and its victim is fluffernutter, Jr., named after his father who was tragically killed in an accidental laundry accident. Mom strikes again! Sure they don't SHOW the hamster get hit by a train, but you are subconsciously aware of his fate! The only hope he has are hamsters in a care who are driving away! Man I hope kids don't start putting their hamsters on rail road tracks. I can tell you now that you will get the same effect as if you put a quarter there.  What a long route to get to a short point, huh? Viva la tangent!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFHCfwF87_o

Who the hell IS this douchebag?

This douchebag is me. Is that information enough? Am I a douche? I don't believe so. Am I a bag? Maybe! That answer will be pending...but perhaps we'll explore that avenue together. So why did I pick the title for my first blog? 1. Ya gotta' start somewhere and 2. Who the hell cares about my blog? The world probably doesn't need another blogger. There's probably about 8,393'wpfg9uW'R5P9237 blogs out there. For those sticklers who like to point out people's mistakes...I'm aware that's not a number. It was creatively developed by randomly hitting my fingers on the keyboard. It's a similar process to how contestants are selected to compete on "The Price is Right." Actually, no, that's a lie. Have you ever noticed that the contestant line up on "The Price is Right" is always the same? It needs to satisfy those people who are politically correct. There's ALWAYS one over-energetic African American woman who owes her appearance to God, there's ALWAYS your grandmother, there's ALWAYS the guy who is there with his girlfriend or fiance but you're CERTAIN! he's gay, which he'll try to deny but the "I Love Bob Barker" shirt he's wearing says it all, there's ALWAYS the guy who looks like he's not sure where he is, but he's hoping there might be a hot meal available, there's ALWAYS the college student who you know will either A. wreck whatever he or she wins within a week of getting back to whatever university is abbreviated on his or her sweater or return the car they won because they can't afford the taxes on it that they didn't know they were obligated to pay, and there's ALWAYS the girl you want to bang......or guy you want to bang,.....or the guy that you're sure the other guy who you're CERTAIN! is gay wants to bang or the girl that he wishes he was. Man I hate political correctness. But actually....did I even leave anyone out just now? All I know for sure is that the previously listed persons would make one seriously kick ass team of power rangers. At any rate, It MIGHT be interesting to find out how many blogs/bloggers there are out there. I'm sure there's a Web site out there that can tell me. One of you knows the answer. The other one will post the answer in a response. At any rate, I'm a guy just like you, unless you're a girl, who works locally in the entertainment industry. So THAT'S  what I feel I may be best qualified to talk about. Whether it's something I'm working on or something that I see that I have an opinion about. I'm not trying to create an addiction here but if a few of you walk away with a smile, then at least my day's complete.