Remember when "Batman Returns" came out? Am I aging myself? To some of you maybe. Actually, if I want to age myself, the first movie I ever saw in the movie theaters was "Song of the South," directed by Harve Foster and Wilfred Jackson. Two directors I've never heard of aside from directing the film that many believe was the formation film of a neon arrow that pointed Walt Disney out as a racist. This couldn't be further from the truth. I know from visitation experience that Disney takes all of our money equally! On a humorous note, the second film I ever saw was the above mentioned "E.T.," directed by Steven Spielberg. The same day that my mother took my brother and I to see "E.T.," the neighboring audience was watching "Bambi," directed by David Hand. Another director that I've never heard of aside from directing the film that many believe was the formation film of a neon arrow that pointed Walt Disney out as a hunter. This couldn't be further from the truth! I know from visitation experience that Disney hunts us all equally! At any rate, I desperately wanted to see "Bambi." There are two possible explanations for this. 1. I'm a kid who LOVES cartoons or 2. My brother wanted to see "E.T." and being a sibling it was my duty to pick something else, just to cause a fight. I pleaded with the art of a 2 or 3 year old and unbenounced to me, my mother purchased tickets for "E.T." I asked her if we were going to see "Bambi" and wouldn't you know it, she told me yes. Mothering is like electricity....you find the quickest route of exit. That's exactly why birds don't get electrifried on telephone wires. I sat in the theater with my bucket of popcorn and the movie began.
FADE IN:
Forrest -- Night.
An alien spacecraft has landed in the woods. The door of the craft begins to creak open.
At that moment my mother turned to us and asked "Who's coming kids?" Well...still not realizing that I had been down right lied too, I ecstatically responded "BAMBI!!!!!" Embarrassing right? I know, I'll never live it down. Especially by those of you who know me and read this. I'm an ass for posting it. Can you imagine though? Bambi emerging from an alien spacecraft? Might be cool. Continuing though, it turns out that someone who recognized my mother was sitting 3 rows back and jokingly whispered some insult that reflected her bad parenting skills and the morals of lying to a child.
My life has been filled with instances like this. Like the time I wanted my babysitter to read me "Charlotte's Web" before going to sleep. Well, there's just no way to read that entire book to a child that you want to go to sleep within the next 10 minutes so your boyfriend or girlfriend who has been suffocating in the closet for the last 4 hours can finally come out. So she created a short cut by developing a scene in which Fern was ordered to make Wilbur sleep outside. Fern felt bad because outside was a torrential downpour with extreme thunder and lightning. When the rest of her family went to sleep, Fern ran outside and brought Wilbur back into the house. The character obviously didn't want her father (who seemed stern and abusive in this rendition) to find her little friend, so she made Wilbur sleep in a porklet sized gap between the wall and the stove. The next morning, Fern came downstairs to the smell of breakfast in the kitchen.....you can see where I'm going with this. YEARS later we read the book in school and I still believed, until that point, that this was how the story ended. But wouldn't you know it...the story went on and on and on. My innocent mind was confused. I don't remember that at all! When do they eat the pig!!?? Uh-huh. It's sad, I know.
The point about Batman is that protesters stood outside theaters across the country with picket signs because of footage showing penguins with missiles strapped to their backs. Robotic...CGI...Missile Shootin' Penguins!...................1. AWESOME! and 2. Get a life protesters! More than half of those people don't even watch the damn movie before they protest...and if they had, they'd find that their side wins in the movie as none of the penguins explode......I demanded my money back.
NOW! If YOU'RE THAT kind of protester.........you should HATE the KIA ad.....and NOT for the car, or the hamster wheels, or the house that looks like the house from "E.T." You should hate the ad because one of the hamsters is on a wheel that is positioned on a rail road track!! Death is on the horizon and its victim is fluffernutter, Jr., named after his father who was tragically killed in an accidental laundry accident. Mom strikes again! Sure they don't SHOW the hamster get hit by a train, but you are subconsciously aware of his fate! The only hope he has are hamsters in a care who are driving away! Man I hope kids don't start putting their hamsters on rail road tracks. I can tell you now that you will get the same effect as if you put a quarter there. What a long route to get to a short point, huh? Viva la tangent!
No comments:
Post a Comment